The Tit was found dead on Saturday night at approximately 3:30 am. It was found next to Daasef's desk, smashed to pieces. Cause of death: unknown. Who could have committed this heinous crime? Only time will tell.
There are no leads or suspects currently, but if you have any information please notify the members of PH-05 immediately. A reward will be presented to those who have legitimate evidence.
A funeral procession will occur once Sidney, one of The Tit's sons, returns from the European continent.
The Tit is succeeded by 5 sons.
R.I.P. 3/1/09
Never Forget
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
After 8 Gold Medals, Phelps Continues to Rip Through the Competition
Michael Phelps, an eight-time gold medalist swimmer, was recently pictured engaging in certain illegal activities in a British magazine (i.e. smoking weed out of a bong). Phelps was apparently sold out by someone close to him, because, for those of you who have seen the picture, it was taken from about a foot away.
Phelps had taken some time off after practicing and competing in swimming for essentially his whole life. Apparently he really want to cut off some steam and just rip the bong, but in today’s world a celebrity is unable to do much in private. If a picture was placed in the news of every 23-year-old smoking some ganja, then there would be a public apology about every twelve seconds.
On the bright side, Phelps was pictured with a ROOR bong. Maybe this high quality bong-making company will sponsor him. Keep your eyes open for the next Michael Phelps commercial: “Do you want to be an Olympic Gold Medalist? Join me and many other Olympic athletes and use ROOR! It’s the best around!” Hey, you never know.
M Mag's Girl Exploit's- Ultimate Shame
*The name of the girl in this story has been changed so as to not offend or horribly tarnish a human being's reputation.
Before I begin the story of the 'disappearing act' I need to fill you in on some background information, so that you can fully understand the trashiness of this girl and her lack of morals. Around the middle of September me and a couple of boys went out drinking and after a lame night of shuffling between Third Avenue bars we decided to settle in at a local college bar. As I walked passed the bouncer and surveyed the bar we could see the place was pretty dead for a Thursday night. A few older couples at the bar and some rag tag's hanging around caught my peripherals, until my sights set on a blond at the corner of the bar who immediately eye fucked the shit out of me. She was pretty, with a petite body supporting surprisingly large tits, and before I could even head towards her I knew that this was a lock down sure thing. Somehow she recognized me from a party earlier in the year and began chatting my ear off about the Wrestling team and all the different friends of mine she knew. A little less than ten minutes later we were making out at the bar with my friend's giving me the thumb's up from behind her back. Unfortunately her friend (hideous beast) had begun a flirtatious conversation with a fireman, who had been sitting alone at the bar. Making out at the bar was already boring me, so I decided to try and entice her back to my apartment. Just my luck, when she turned to tell her bestial friend that she was leaving with me she realized that the creepy fireman was hitting on Shrek. Not wanting to leave her friend with the fire dude, I officially got chopped and screwed from a sure night of ground and pound. At this point I actually respected this girl, Cait, and exchanged numbers with her, not expecting much from the future except a possible booty call when I had a lonely night.
A week later I met up with Cait at a bar with some friends and realized immediately why I had been sick of her so quickly the first night. I was obviously not drunk enough and hearing her long island accent (the worst kind, honestly girls with long island accents should all jump off a bridge or just super glue their mouths shut) felt like a nail gun being driven into my skull. After a half hour of dreaded conversation I had enough, and brought her back up to my apartment so that the night would not be a total loss. Just as I had gotten her shirt off and revealed her abnormally large breasts for such a tiny body i heard the front door slam. My room mate, Dick, had just gotten home and was beyond wasted. Dick has a history of getting hammered because I am not sure he understands the concept of social drinking, It's all or nothing. I had forgotten that the entire night he had been texting me, telling me to wait up for him so that we could hit the bong when he got back. Belligerent as he was, he began NFL style punting my closed door and yelling at the top of his lungs for me to come out. "Mag Get the Fuck up I am going to kill you, wake the fuck up!!" he screamed as he relentlessly smashed my door. I thought that the building was going to fall down and crumble under an earthquake because he was smashing the door so hard. I looked over at Cait, and realized he had royally fucked me over. She was terrified and had immediately started putting her clothes back on and collecting her things. "Holy shit, who is that? Oh my god I have to go, I am sorry!" she exclaimed. I couldn't believe that Dick had just cock blocked me with his drunken rage and opened the door only to be greeted by his beer breath and huge hug. She ran past the both of us and went right out the front door, I shouted sorry and thought that there was no way anyone could have left in a quicker fashion. Little did i know this was just the beginning...
Fast forward three weeks: After some random texts and phone calls throughout the past month Cait and I had kept in contact, I decided it was time to bring her up to my apartment for another try. After a few blunts and beers it was time to scroll through the phone book and find a girl for the night. I settled on Cait and sent her a text to come up to my place if she wanted to hang. I should have known at this point there was something a bit off with her, because no sane girl would willingly degrade herself, not only by accepting this blatant booty call, but to also take a cab from her downtown dorm all the way to my place on her own dime. Fifteen minutes later i get a ring on my doorbell, answer the door and let Cait in. We kept the chatting to a minimum as we made our way to the bed and started fooling around. I wont go into details but her head was decent and after finishing I laid back to try and pass out. If there is one thing that I hate about college it is the absurdly small bed's, they are not big enough for a leprechaun to sleep in let alone a guy and a girl. After minutes of restlessness I gave up and decided that I didn't care if I ever saw Cait again, but there is no way she was sleeping in my bed. "So yeah I am pretty tired, your going to have to leave I can't sleep with you in here" I mumbled and hoped she would take the extreme hint to leave. "Are you serious? Whatever!" she snapped back and started rustling around the room gathering her things. Still half asleep I grumbled a good bye, expecting to talk to her the next day and thank her via text.
I woke up at around seven and rushed to the bathroom because I had to piss like a race horse, as I was passing the common room I noticed three bodies laying on our futon. With the thought of urine flooding my mind i rushed for the bathroom. After washing my hands I stepped back out into the common room to look closer at the futon and the three bodies. I knew that Lee, my current roommate but who was not living with us yet was staying the night. At first I was proud that he had conquered some chick on our futon, but upon closer inspection found out I was very wrong. The second hump was Simon, who had drunkenly passed out on the futon without being able to make it into his bed only ten feet away. The third hump under the blanket was a small, petite, pretty, blond who was completely naked. Doing a double take I realized that this was in fact Cait!!! I tapped her on the head, "Uhhh, What the fuck are you doing?" She awoke suddenly with the frightened look of a deer caught in headlights. "Uhh, Wait, where... am... I? OH MY GOD!!!" She leaped up out of the futon like a gazelle avoiding a lion, exposing her completely bare body and sprinted into my room.
I followed her into my room with a puzzled expression and asked her what the hell she was doing on the futon with Simon and Lee. She had no idea what had happened, or why she had gotten out of my bed and wandered into the common room futon. I was too tired to deal with the ridiculousness of her disappearance so I fell back asleep while she sat on my bed trying to figure out what the hell she had just done. To this day I am still unsure of what she was thinking considering she was more or less sober from what I could tell. I was not asleep long when I woke up again to the sound of my room mates screaming and pounding on my door. Usually I sleep with my door cracked open, so when it is closed my roommates know that there is a girl in my room. Simon began his relentless pounding and yelling for me to open the door. "Yo man! Open up! Yo, who is in there! I am going to fucking kill you open the door!". I looked to my left and saw Cait, who once again had made a horrible decision. Instead of bolting for the safety of her dorm earlier in the morning she chose to fall asleep next to me. She woke up to the door pounding and screaming but was somewhat accustomed to this after her first incident. "Yeah that sucks, they are all out there, and I am pretty sure they saw you naked" I said sarcastically. "Well, What am i supposed to do? How can i leave?" she asked with a look of terror written across her face. I tried to be as honest as possible with my response but knew that any option was going to be humiliating after reading my most recent text message. 'Yo man who the fuck was sleeping on the futon with us? Is that girl in there?'- Simon. I showed her the text and began to laugh when she looked as if she had just shat her pants. "How do I get out?!! What am i supposed to do??" she asked. "Well, you can either just leave and say good-bye and risk passing them, or you can try to wait it out and make a run for it" I explained bluntly. I couldn't have cared less considering I already knew how hilarious the situation was, and I was not embarrassed at all because Cait is actually a good looking girl. She gathered all of her things, waited until Simon's voice had disappeared, and then stared at me. "Well now's your chance, go for it!" I said. She screeched good bye, opened my door and sprinted towards the front and only exit. I rolled out of bed and the walked into the common room when Sidney flew past me. He heard the door slam and realized Cait was trying to make her getaway. In just his underwear Sidney teared for the front door, opened it and started screaming down the hallway "Who is that! HAHAHA Who are You!! HAHA!!" he screamed and pointed at her as she was fleeing down the hall towards the elevator. This was by far the worst walk of shame that any girl had ever taken from my room. I debriefed my roommates on what happened and after confirming their belief that Cait was in fact the third person sleeping on the futon with them, completely naked, they were all rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. This girl had left my room, bare naked, and instead of leaving for home when I kicked her out of my bed, actually climbed into the futon and under the covers with strangers. God only knows what she was thinking but I have never seen someone so embarassed.
Believing the story was over my roommates and I decided to head to Paladium brunch. At Paladium brunch anything in the world one could think of was served buffet style for breakfast, so it was obvious sunday hang over recovery spot. We had all sat down with our first round of food when we looked towards the entrance and guess who strolls in behind a couple of her sorority sisters, Cait. Simon decides to stand up and give her a grand entrance, "Caaaaiiiit!!! Heeeeyyyy!!!" he screamed across the dining hall accompanied with a grandeous wave. She turned, saw who yelled, looked at me as i shrugged a sorry and turned red as a tomato. She rushed out of the dining hall and never looked back.
Assholes we may be, but this is one hilarious chain of events.
Before I begin the story of the 'disappearing act' I need to fill you in on some background information, so that you can fully understand the trashiness of this girl and her lack of morals. Around the middle of September me and a couple of boys went out drinking and after a lame night of shuffling between Third Avenue bars we decided to settle in at a local college bar. As I walked passed the bouncer and surveyed the bar we could see the place was pretty dead for a Thursday night. A few older couples at the bar and some rag tag's hanging around caught my peripherals, until my sights set on a blond at the corner of the bar who immediately eye fucked the shit out of me. She was pretty, with a petite body supporting surprisingly large tits, and before I could even head towards her I knew that this was a lock down sure thing. Somehow she recognized me from a party earlier in the year and began chatting my ear off about the Wrestling team and all the different friends of mine she knew. A little less than ten minutes later we were making out at the bar with my friend's giving me the thumb's up from behind her back. Unfortunately her friend (hideous beast) had begun a flirtatious conversation with a fireman, who had been sitting alone at the bar. Making out at the bar was already boring me, so I decided to try and entice her back to my apartment. Just my luck, when she turned to tell her bestial friend that she was leaving with me she realized that the creepy fireman was hitting on Shrek. Not wanting to leave her friend with the fire dude, I officially got chopped and screwed from a sure night of ground and pound. At this point I actually respected this girl, Cait, and exchanged numbers with her, not expecting much from the future except a possible booty call when I had a lonely night.
A week later I met up with Cait at a bar with some friends and realized immediately why I had been sick of her so quickly the first night. I was obviously not drunk enough and hearing her long island accent (the worst kind, honestly girls with long island accents should all jump off a bridge or just super glue their mouths shut) felt like a nail gun being driven into my skull. After a half hour of dreaded conversation I had enough, and brought her back up to my apartment so that the night would not be a total loss. Just as I had gotten her shirt off and revealed her abnormally large breasts for such a tiny body i heard the front door slam. My room mate, Dick, had just gotten home and was beyond wasted. Dick has a history of getting hammered because I am not sure he understands the concept of social drinking, It's all or nothing. I had forgotten that the entire night he had been texting me, telling me to wait up for him so that we could hit the bong when he got back. Belligerent as he was, he began NFL style punting my closed door and yelling at the top of his lungs for me to come out. "Mag Get the Fuck up I am going to kill you, wake the fuck up!!" he screamed as he relentlessly smashed my door. I thought that the building was going to fall down and crumble under an earthquake because he was smashing the door so hard. I looked over at Cait, and realized he had royally fucked me over. She was terrified and had immediately started putting her clothes back on and collecting her things. "Holy shit, who is that? Oh my god I have to go, I am sorry!" she exclaimed. I couldn't believe that Dick had just cock blocked me with his drunken rage and opened the door only to be greeted by his beer breath and huge hug. She ran past the both of us and went right out the front door, I shouted sorry and thought that there was no way anyone could have left in a quicker fashion. Little did i know this was just the beginning...
Fast forward three weeks: After some random texts and phone calls throughout the past month Cait and I had kept in contact, I decided it was time to bring her up to my apartment for another try. After a few blunts and beers it was time to scroll through the phone book and find a girl for the night. I settled on Cait and sent her a text to come up to my place if she wanted to hang. I should have known at this point there was something a bit off with her, because no sane girl would willingly degrade herself, not only by accepting this blatant booty call, but to also take a cab from her downtown dorm all the way to my place on her own dime. Fifteen minutes later i get a ring on my doorbell, answer the door and let Cait in. We kept the chatting to a minimum as we made our way to the bed and started fooling around. I wont go into details but her head was decent and after finishing I laid back to try and pass out. If there is one thing that I hate about college it is the absurdly small bed's, they are not big enough for a leprechaun to sleep in let alone a guy and a girl. After minutes of restlessness I gave up and decided that I didn't care if I ever saw Cait again, but there is no way she was sleeping in my bed. "So yeah I am pretty tired, your going to have to leave I can't sleep with you in here" I mumbled and hoped she would take the extreme hint to leave. "Are you serious? Whatever!" she snapped back and started rustling around the room gathering her things. Still half asleep I grumbled a good bye, expecting to talk to her the next day and thank her via text.
I woke up at around seven and rushed to the bathroom because I had to piss like a race horse, as I was passing the common room I noticed three bodies laying on our futon. With the thought of urine flooding my mind i rushed for the bathroom. After washing my hands I stepped back out into the common room to look closer at the futon and the three bodies. I knew that Lee, my current roommate but who was not living with us yet was staying the night. At first I was proud that he had conquered some chick on our futon, but upon closer inspection found out I was very wrong. The second hump was Simon, who had drunkenly passed out on the futon without being able to make it into his bed only ten feet away. The third hump under the blanket was a small, petite, pretty, blond who was completely naked. Doing a double take I realized that this was in fact Cait!!! I tapped her on the head, "Uhhh, What the fuck are you doing?" She awoke suddenly with the frightened look of a deer caught in headlights. "Uhh, Wait, where... am... I? OH MY GOD!!!" She leaped up out of the futon like a gazelle avoiding a lion, exposing her completely bare body and sprinted into my room.
I followed her into my room with a puzzled expression and asked her what the hell she was doing on the futon with Simon and Lee. She had no idea what had happened, or why she had gotten out of my bed and wandered into the common room futon. I was too tired to deal with the ridiculousness of her disappearance so I fell back asleep while she sat on my bed trying to figure out what the hell she had just done. To this day I am still unsure of what she was thinking considering she was more or less sober from what I could tell. I was not asleep long when I woke up again to the sound of my room mates screaming and pounding on my door. Usually I sleep with my door cracked open, so when it is closed my roommates know that there is a girl in my room. Simon began his relentless pounding and yelling for me to open the door. "Yo man! Open up! Yo, who is in there! I am going to fucking kill you open the door!". I looked to my left and saw Cait, who once again had made a horrible decision. Instead of bolting for the safety of her dorm earlier in the morning she chose to fall asleep next to me. She woke up to the door pounding and screaming but was somewhat accustomed to this after her first incident. "Yeah that sucks, they are all out there, and I am pretty sure they saw you naked" I said sarcastically. "Well, What am i supposed to do? How can i leave?" she asked with a look of terror written across her face. I tried to be as honest as possible with my response but knew that any option was going to be humiliating after reading my most recent text message. 'Yo man who the fuck was sleeping on the futon with us? Is that girl in there?'- Simon. I showed her the text and began to laugh when she looked as if she had just shat her pants. "How do I get out?!! What am i supposed to do??" she asked. "Well, you can either just leave and say good-bye and risk passing them, or you can try to wait it out and make a run for it" I explained bluntly. I couldn't have cared less considering I already knew how hilarious the situation was, and I was not embarrassed at all because Cait is actually a good looking girl. She gathered all of her things, waited until Simon's voice had disappeared, and then stared at me. "Well now's your chance, go for it!" I said. She screeched good bye, opened my door and sprinted towards the front and only exit. I rolled out of bed and the walked into the common room when Sidney flew past me. He heard the door slam and realized Cait was trying to make her getaway. In just his underwear Sidney teared for the front door, opened it and started screaming down the hallway "Who is that! HAHAHA Who are You!! HAHA!!" he screamed and pointed at her as she was fleeing down the hall towards the elevator. This was by far the worst walk of shame that any girl had ever taken from my room. I debriefed my roommates on what happened and after confirming their belief that Cait was in fact the third person sleeping on the futon with them, completely naked, they were all rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. This girl had left my room, bare naked, and instead of leaving for home when I kicked her out of my bed, actually climbed into the futon and under the covers with strangers. God only knows what she was thinking but I have never seen someone so embarassed.
Believing the story was over my roommates and I decided to head to Paladium brunch. At Paladium brunch anything in the world one could think of was served buffet style for breakfast, so it was obvious sunday hang over recovery spot. We had all sat down with our first round of food when we looked towards the entrance and guess who strolls in behind a couple of her sorority sisters, Cait. Simon decides to stand up and give her a grand entrance, "Caaaaiiiit!!! Heeeeyyyy!!!" he screamed across the dining hall accompanied with a grandeous wave. She turned, saw who yelled, looked at me as i shrugged a sorry and turned red as a tomato. She rushed out of the dining hall and never looked back.
Assholes we may be, but this is one hilarious chain of events.
Phish Tickets Sell Out Almost As Fast Ozzy Osbourne
Tickets for Phish’s reunion tour went on sale on Friday at 10 am and were on sites such as Stubhub.com at about 10:03 am. Being a Phish fan, I attempted to purchase tickets to their shows at Nassau Coliseum, but found myself empty-handed after what ended up being a 3-hour long effort. For all of those people in my position, have no fear! Bonnaroo is here! And Phish is not playing one, but two shows at the music haven in the boondocks of Tennessee.
Any fairly knowledgeable and/or devout Phish follower must be asking themselves why the band decided to play at the roo. Let’s face it; Phish is capable of selling out the entire state of Vermont for a week. Why would they choose to play at a festival with many bands when they could easily hold the same festival with just the four of them jamming out for days? The quick answer: Why not? Phish has taken five years off to take care of their own projects and be with their families and friends. Trey, Mike, Page, and Fish need to get back into the groove of their own grooves before creating too much of a buzz around something that may still be slightly rusty.
Phish has given so much to its community and is now returning to once again spread its love and help keep the jam band scene alive. If you are lucky enough to score a ticket to one of their shows, enjoy yourself. If you know nothing about the band, pick up a live album. And if you have an extra ticket, let me know, be it through email, phone, or smoke signals.
“Waiting for the time when I can finally say
This has all been wonderful but now I’m on my way.”
Any fairly knowledgeable and/or devout Phish follower must be asking themselves why the band decided to play at the roo. Let’s face it; Phish is capable of selling out the entire state of Vermont for a week. Why would they choose to play at a festival with many bands when they could easily hold the same festival with just the four of them jamming out for days? The quick answer: Why not? Phish has taken five years off to take care of their own projects and be with their families and friends. Trey, Mike, Page, and Fish need to get back into the groove of their own grooves before creating too much of a buzz around something that may still be slightly rusty.
Phish has given so much to its community and is now returning to once again spread its love and help keep the jam band scene alive. If you are lucky enough to score a ticket to one of their shows, enjoy yourself. If you know nothing about the band, pick up a live album. And if you have an extra ticket, let me know, be it through email, phone, or smoke signals.
“Waiting for the time when I can finally say
This has all been wonderful but now I’m on my way.”
Lee's Grammy Update
The 51st annual grammy awards were were last night. I would say there were some sweet moments but overall the show was wiggidy wack. As usual, the people who deserved to win did not and people who suck got awards. Robert Plant (the geezer from led zeppelin) and Alison Krauss (some bitch) won five grammys including record of the year which I found to be absurd because I have never even heard the song that they won for, but I'm sure it sucks. Lil' Wayne won four awards which was cool I guess. He was surprisingly not cracked out during the show and was able to put his sizzurp cup down long enough to give a decent performance of "tie my hands" with Robin Thicke in addition to rockin his "swagger like us verse" alongside Kanye, TI, and Jay-Z (unreal).
Kanye disgraced himself yet again by wearing the gayest outfit I have ever seen. He also was rockin a freakish mullet-esque haircut that pretty much made it look like there was a dead animal sitting on top of his head. His barber deserves to be shot in the face. He performed "American Boy" with Estelle in addition to swagger like us, both of which would have been good if he hadn't been looking like such a freak.
Miley Cyrus and Taylor swift sang the worst song I have ever heard in my life, and Katy Perry proved that she has zero talent. The Jonas Brothers also disgraced Stevie Wonder. Coldplay gave a dec performance and brought out hova for "Lost", and Paul Mccartney gave a stellar performance of "When I saw her Standing there" accompanied by Dave Grohl.
Conspicuously absent from the show were R&B power couple Chris Brown and Rihanna. The two had been scheduled to perform but apparently chris breezy assaulted Ri Ri, leaving her with a black eye and was busy turning himself in to the popo...how dare he put his hands on babygirl. If I ever see that bitchboy I'm gonna beat the shit out of him.
Thats all for now...keep it tuned to PH-5 blog for more of my cultural commentaty
my bust.
Kanye disgraced himself yet again by wearing the gayest outfit I have ever seen. He also was rockin a freakish mullet-esque haircut that pretty much made it look like there was a dead animal sitting on top of his head. His barber deserves to be shot in the face. He performed "American Boy" with Estelle in addition to swagger like us, both of which would have been good if he hadn't been looking like such a freak.
Miley Cyrus and Taylor swift sang the worst song I have ever heard in my life, and Katy Perry proved that she has zero talent. The Jonas Brothers also disgraced Stevie Wonder. Coldplay gave a dec performance and brought out hova for "Lost", and Paul Mccartney gave a stellar performance of "When I saw her Standing there" accompanied by Dave Grohl.
Conspicuously absent from the show were R&B power couple Chris Brown and Rihanna. The two had been scheduled to perform but apparently chris breezy assaulted Ri Ri, leaving her with a black eye and was busy turning himself in to the popo...how dare he put his hands on babygirl. If I ever see that bitchboy I'm gonna beat the shit out of him.
Thats all for now...keep it tuned to PH-5 blog for more of my cultural commentaty
my bust.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
First Post Ever
So this is officially my first blog post ever. It's kind of weird writing to an unknown audience but at the same time interesting that god only knows who will read all of our crazy exploits. So to start you all off here is whats currently going on in PH5:
1. Today marks my first day of sobriety for Sid and I from burning of a particular plant until March 16th( The day wrestling season ends). This is going to be a challenge considering we have not gone over a week without burning in the past two years.
2. We are all still recovering from a weekend where we ate enough food to nourish an African nation for months. Super Bowl parties are a killer.
3. Obviously the best Super Bowl Commercial was "Pepsuber". Obviously he cannot be called McGruber anymore because of his latest endorsement by Pepsi. Shout out to Danica Patrick and her shower scene in the Go Daddy commercial.
More from PH 5 later on
1. Today marks my first day of sobriety for Sid and I from burning of a particular plant until March 16th( The day wrestling season ends). This is going to be a challenge considering we have not gone over a week without burning in the past two years.
2. We are all still recovering from a weekend where we ate enough food to nourish an African nation for months. Super Bowl parties are a killer.
3. Obviously the best Super Bowl Commercial was "Pepsuber". Obviously he cannot be called McGruber anymore because of his latest endorsement by Pepsi. Shout out to Danica Patrick and her shower scene in the Go Daddy commercial.
More from PH 5 later on
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